Holy Hell It's Been A While

Whoa! My longest non-posting period. Hmmm... Apologies for my absence in writing my blog for my avid readers. Right now, I am quite busy with my hectic roster and I am trying my best to adjust my body clock. For the past 3 weeks, I really can't sleep and all I can do is, just resting my body.. Every night, my mind will keep on thinking about what had happened and I really can't except the fact that HE IS GONE. I understand that it is bad to cried over someone death but.. I have tried not to cry but still......... Most of my friends said that, I have to be strong.. I have to face the fact.. I have to accept it with an open mind.. blalalalalaaa.. To be honest, I do appreciate all of the advices & the condolences but.. it's all about my feelings, my heart, my soul.. I feel different. I can feel like I am totally different person.. I do not know why is it so hard for me to let it go.. I can't let him go.. I just can't. But the weird thing is, I do want him to be happy & live peacefully and I know that he is in a God hands.. I do not want to cry, I do not want his soul to be suffer but.. but at the sametime, I just want him to stay because I am not ready to let him go.. I need him and I really miss him so badly. I just feel like wanna scream my anger, my sadness, my loneliness out loud.. because I don't think that other people understand how suffer and how hard for me to overcome this situations. Especially before flight, I have to be really strong & to be well prepared. Sorry guys, I just feel like wanna SCREAM OUT LOUD!!!! Arrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhh.....